Category Archives: Humour

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses!

Anyone who has ever managed any technical infrastructure will know how important it is to have a ready supply of cryptic and impressive-sounding reasons for why something didn't get done. But sometimes, you are just too busy Facebooking to think them up. So here is an automated, randomized excuse generator, that will give you a beautifully-crafted, technically impenetrable error message, perfect for those times when you need to get your boss off your back for just a few more hours so you can finish watching the rest of the season of the original lost Doctor Who episodes from 1964.

Just hit the button to produce another error message:


Top 20 Obscure Insults For Geeks

Okay, So you wanna geek your speak? Here are 20 (give or take) of the more obscure technical ways to insult someone. How obscure? Well, some you won’t even find on Google – which is just how we like it.

The lights are blinkenflashen but nobody’s home. This is usually applied to a person who has no clue, with no clue that they have no clue. Named after a server response code issued when you try to visit a webpage that simply isn’t there.

Assmosis in action. Used by geeks to describe those people in the office who are continuously sucking up to their superiors in order to absorb their success through “assmosis”.

BFI operator
Brute Force and Ignorance. A BFI operator is someone (usually in a corporate software development environment) who uses set policies and methodologies fanatically while studiously avoiding any rational thought.

code grinder
A suit-wearing, cubicle inhabiting minion who is one of thousands of identical minions hired to write banking systems or payroll packages in RPG and other unspeakable horrors. See BFI operator.

Similar to a rubber-necker, who can’t help looking, a digi-necker will whip out a camera or phone to snap a video at any awkward moment, such as when grandma falls down the escalator and bursts her colostomy bag.

Drunk Mouse Syndrome. A condition afflicting some users, causing them to be unable to follow the simplest of instructions.

Someone who regularly googles their own name.

An amateur who knows nothing about photography, and just clicks at everything, then photoshops in some lens flare and calls it art.

Someone who refuses to acknowledge others’ privacy by insisting on sending out emails with dozens of addresses (including yours) in the “To” field, visible to everyone.

A code known to support services and helpdesks that describes a customer who is too dumb to use a computer. Often recorded in call logs and sometimes even on the user’s computer. For example:
“Mkay, just type that code at the top of your Win.INI file.”
“Will that fix the problem?”
“No, but it will help the next guy to understand what they’re dealing with, so you won’t have to go through that whole process again”.
“Gee, thanks!”

A video gamer or who insists on using crap hardware, a poor connection, or both, thereby spoiling it for everyone else. They don’t usually last long: in the virtual world, they get fragged without remorse, in the real world, they are always first to get sent for pizza and cola.

lemming clicker
Someone who will click on any link they are sent, often happily entering their banking passwords as well.

A particularly useless user.

The smooth-talking member of the marketing department who signs up users by promising that the next version of the product will have features which are unplanned, extremely difficult to implement, and/or in violation of the laws of physics. By next Thursday.

An individual so utterly loyal to a particular operating system or platform that they have achieved a state of religious zeal. Microserfs typically drool in response to a rigged demo.

mouse potato
A computer equivalent of a couch potato.

A person with no knowledge or awareness of anything remotely related to computers. The IT equivalent of Harry Potter’s “muggles.”

read-only user
An ID-10-T user who simply cannot absorb what you are telling them. They cannot or will not listen. For example:
“So when you click on the ‘start’ button, what do you see?”
“What button?”
“The ‘start’ button, in the bottom left of your screen.”
“But it’s all just pictures!”
“Just click on the ‘start’ button.”
“The what button?”

A user who will agree to anything without reading it. Especially infuriating when you are trying to give technical support and they keep clicking “OK” on all the useful messages. See lemming clicker.

seagull manager
One of those bosses who is not good for much except when things go wrong, at which time they swoop in, make a lot of noise and crap all over everything.

Someone who maintains an online presence as a campaigner for causes, but is actually just another sallow, spotty youth who lives with their parents, and wouldn’t be caught dead at a protest rally.

An obnoxious individual engaged in the profession of marketing or management, who pretends to know “how it all works” – very annoying to those who actually do.

Wikipedia Kid
That student or co-worker who doesn’t really know the job, but pretends to by just slapping together everyone else’s contributions. For example (from “The IT Crowd”):
Mr Reynholm (the big boss): Jen, did I just see you googling “IT manager”?
Jen (the IT manager): Um…